I haven’t been doing very well lately. The last few day I’ve been feeling like a complete outcast. Like nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody wants me around. Like I’m annoying everyone. I just should stop trying. I shouldn’t be here anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. So why should I keep trying? Why should I keep trying to convince myself that people still want me here when I know they don’t? I try to talk. I try to say how I feel. But everything gets disregarded or ignored. The subject gets changed so quickly it’s like I never even said anything. Nobody tries to see what’s going on. Nobody puts any effort in to trying to get me to say what’s wrong. Nobody really wants to know. They are satisfied with me answering all their “are you ok”? With yeah I’m fine. Or I’m just ok. They never take it further. I’m just here. Taking up space. Wasting my time and everyone else’s. I need to get away. I need to get out of here and just be alone. Completely alone for a couple days. I need to just be finished with everything and everyone and not care because obviously they don’t care about me.
That awkward moment when you start an important conversation with someone and then have to end it and you agree to talk about it later but you don’t want to bring it up so it doesn’t happen. Yeaaaah.
That moment when you find out that you’re the reason that the most important relationship in your life is crumbling. When you realize that you broke it and that you threw away the trust that used to be there. And you have no idea how to fix it so you just have to sit there an watch it deteriorate. I can’t do this anymore.
Have you ever known that someone was flat out lying to you about something? And you can’t tell them that you know they’re lying because you’re afraid of how they’ll react?
I have abandonment issues. So when you just stop talkin to me out of nowhere I’m terrified that I did something to make you leave me. I’m afraid that one day you’re just going to leave me for good because you’ve finally realized how much of a waste of time I am. I’m lost and scared and I’m clinging to you. You promise me countless times that you’ll never leave me. But when you just stop replying to me I get so terrified that you hate me and that you don’t want me around anymore. That I’ve hurt you and that you’re mad at me. And it hurts me because I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did to make you leave me. I don’t know. It’s irrational. But I’m irrational. I can’t trust myself. I wish I could just make it all stop. I wish I had the courage to. But I don’t. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I need you to stay with me. You’re the only thing keeping me alive right now. The only thing. And when you stop talkin to me. Stop relying to me. Stop acknowledging my existence. I can’t hold on. I can’t come out of that. It hurts too much.
I feel like I cause you so much pain. I feel like I’m hurting you. I know you want to die. I know you don’t want to be here anymore. I also know that you won’t leave me. I know that its my “fault” that you’re alive. Hell you’ve told me so many times. I feel horrible because of that. I feel like I’m being selfish because I can’t live without you. I feel like if you didn’t have me in your life then you could be free. You wouldn’t have to constantly hurt and be in pain. They save if you love someone set them free. I love you so much but I can’t set you free. And that tears me up inside because I know that you’re not happy. I know that you don’t want to be here. And I can’t let you be happy. I can’t let you go. And I feel guilty for that. I hate that I need you so much. I know you want to give up. But I can’t let you. I feel like I should. But I can’t. I need you in my life. I’m sorry that I can’t let you be happy. I’m sorry for that. And I always will be. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
I hate it that we don’t talk anymore. I hate it that you’re never around. I hate it that you make time for everyone else but can’t make time for me. Maybe I’m selfish. But I can’t help it. We used to talk all the time but now I’m lucky if I hear from you. I know that you’re stuggling and I know that you’re having a hard time. But I just wish that you would talk to me. I know that you aren’t doing ok. But I feel like you don’t want to talk to me about everything like you used to. I feel like you don’t trust me with what you need to say. And it breaks my heart knowing that you have someone else that you talk to about everything. And I’m just here in the dark not knowing what’s going on. Even when I ask you what’s wrong you won’t tell me. You insist you’re fine but I know you better than that. I know when you’re lying. I would rather you just tell me you don’t want to talk to me rather than lie to me and say everything is great. Because it hurts being lied to. You always get so mad at me when I say that I don’t want to talk about something. You always guilt me into talking to you and telling you what’s going on. You always say that I’m pushing you away and I’m building up a wall and won’t let you in. But at least I’m working on it. I talk to you about pretty much everything. But you dont. Have you ever thought that you’re doing the same thing to me? You’re building up a wall that I can’t get through because you won’t let me. I try to be there for you but you won’t talk to me. I thought that I was the one person that you trusted. I thought that I was the one person that you always wanted to talk to. But obviously I’m not. And it makes me really sad that our relationship in that sense is completely deteriorating. I miss you. I miss us. I miss the way we used to be. And act. And talk. And be happy. And I wish that I had the guts to actually tell you this. I wish I could walk right up to you and let you know how much I need you to talk to me. Because I need you in my life. I need to feel like you actually want me around. I need you to need me back. And I’m scared that its not going to happen and that terrifies me. I wish that you knew. But there’s a safety in knowing that you will never see this because you don’t use tumblr. But it doesn’t change the fact that I want so badly for you to know yet I’m too afraid to tell you.
I’m sorry for that rant. It’s just something that I needed to get off my chest an stop thinking about. If you read the whole thing thank you. I’m sorry for taking up so much space on your dash. I love you.
If you could hear the thoughts in my head you would know that I’m a terrible person
My fantastic car
The sick fish!
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